Large Knives

Yeah Baby! Woot! Gimme a blade, and let's go Cook somethin'! Yee-Hah! Aside from the fact that they are just totally cool to look at, pick your teeth with,and/or wave around while talking like a jungle hero, a nice, sharp 14-inch (or more) hunk of razor-sharp steel with a gnarly grip is... EMPOWERING! Cower before my mighty might, meat! Pectacular! Bungo! Kreegah! Me Tarzan! Time for Cook! Come Cheetah! Got Large Knife! We Go! So, go wave a WÜSTHOF (The umlaut makes it doubly cool) at that whole, raw chicken, and watch it instantly submit to your top-o-the-foodchain-opposable-thumb, tool-usin' self. But wait! There are more good reasons than just intimidating dead foodstuffs for "LARGE KNIVES". DEFENSE - Cooking can be stressful. It is a craft, a skill, an art, and there are variables and surprises aplenty. These can sneak up on the unwary cook like a pair of black bears on specially trained ninja commando horses... Um. Or something. Surprise! Rogue HorseBears: Here to nick your hors d'ouveres! Get used to surprises, expect them! And for those times when the surprises are getting a little out of hand, a LARGE KNIFE can save the day AND your sanity, and no, I'm not talking about holding off those bears who came to Shanghai your Puu-Puu platter. You see, kitchen disasters often compound like rows and rows of dominos knocking each other over... Dominos that are on fire... On fire in your lap... Your NAKED lap. Flaming Groin Dominos (reg. U.S. pat. off.) Your potatoes will boil over, just as the biscuits burn and the dishwasher starts leaking. The oysters you thought were dead will begin dancing on the table, then the locusts, the hurricane, the ninjas... you get the idea. Usually at this time, your minister or mother-in-law shows up unannounced AAAAAnnnnnd, just when you are about to "lose it", some cretin, nitwit or other friend or relation will skulk up behind you and excla im (in a nasally-little girl-whine), something like "I'm hungry", or "Isn't it done YET", or "Gosh, the back of your shirt's on fire!" "I wanna eeeeeeat!" This is the perfect time, to whirl around, large steely blade in hand, and, in your best, hysterical Jack Nicholson impersonation, shriek: "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" Bulge your eyeballs if at all possible. Helps the effect. I know. Within seconds, you will find yourself blissfully alone with your thoughts, the fire extinguisher, the first aid kit, and perhaps a nice soothing beverage or pharmaceutical relaxant. You will also be well on the way to acquiring a cool nickname like "Slash", "Nutball" or "Freakshow". And your 'LARGE KNIFE' Skills will improve with use! Oh, yeah! You can cut stuff up, too! Did I mention that? This is useful! Details later.