Welcome!

(You can do this!)

This blog has one goal: To teach anyone who wants to learn to cook, to do so, competently, with gusto and abandon, in a very short time.

...And to amuse. Okay, make that TWO goals, but THAT'S IT! No more goals, I mean it!

To achieve this (these) lofty goal(s), we are going to take a completely different (and somewhat silly) path.

You see, those of us who would like to learn to cook, usually set out on the path of learning 'how-to'; alone, woefully unprepared, and often scarred, burned and otherwise demoralized from some pretty spectacular failures that were not really our fault.

I mean, who could possibly guess that a hamper full of tuna sandwiches and potato salad, when sun-ripened for only 10 measly hours could make 2 entire church choirs that sick?

I certainly didn't!
I believe that these errors occur because the so-called 'cookbooks' that we try to decipher, are designed to confuse, irritate and destroy one's confidence.

Basket o' Doom---

I believe that there is a secret society of restaurant owners, food critics, chefs, and wine snobs who form an elite and snobbish cartel. A secret society that tries to keep good food rare and expensive by any means necessary.

I happen to know that they wear hoods and meet on Thursdays to plot ways to humiliate and embarrass us with French, Latin and 'made-up' words like 'fondant', 'arugula', and 'cuisine'.

(I also believe that aliens walk the Earth and sometimes hide my TV remote but that's not relevant here.)

Victims of this Foodie Cartel, we are forced to search for knowledge on our own. Naked as babes and naive as newborn bunnies, we roam the bookstores, untensil purveyors,

---Hooded Foodie Foe!

food sources and websites hoping to learn this art, this craft, this magic called "cooking". Our hopes, hearts and faces, bright and noble, face a gauntlet of tough tasks made all the more difficult by these unseen foes.

Don't despair. We shall prevail.

DS, LK & F is your ticket out of fast-food pick-up land, away from take-out for Thanksgiving, and nevermore shall you be forced to dine out of styrofoam containers with a "spork".

Yes, my friends, come with me, and we shall cut through the scruff and scree of pomp and pretension, and simplify the whole "learn-to-cook" process.

It's like nothing you've ever seen before. And it works!

NEXT: So! What's with the goofy name?

DS,LK & F?

So! I hear you say:

"Dead Stuff, Large Knives, & Fire" - What's up with that?

Those three items, my friends, are the barest, minimally minimal elements that you must have to actually "cook". Everything else is just frippery, googaws, fiddle-faddle, and twaddlypoo. Granted, these things often make your food preparation "easier", "tastier", "safer", "more wholesome", and "nutritious" but really, they're not "necessary". You're just 'gilding the lily', 'stroking the gopher' or 'buffing the buckwheat', as we say in certain circles. Note the logo. Poke a large knife through a (dead) chicken, hold it over the fire, and you're cookin'. That's it. Game over! Well.... ah. In the interest of having more than a 1-page blog, there ARE some refinements and such... I know! Let's examine each of the 3 components! Up next! DEAD STUFF.

Dead Stuff

FACT: All of the "Stuff" you are going to cook is dead*.

Muerte:
Green Beans
in their tin coffin

*Yeah, yeah, - "Blah-blah oysters, blah-blah yeasts are all alive and and blah-blah cheese cultures too!"
My mature and reasoned answer to this?

"Piffle and twaddlypoo! These things all come under the heading of "Dead Enough", and anyone who wants to argue the point is just being a doodie-head, nyah!".

So! You are in the enviable position of being able to bring the passing of noble animals, vegetables, fruits, grains, tubers, legumes, and whatnot, some dignity and value!

Their departure from this plane may even live on in treasured memories, (remember that fantastic Turkey at Aunt Bessie's in '99?).

See? You're not just trying to make 'eats'. You're making memorials! Memorials constructed of Mac n' Cheese, or Tater Tots, I'll grant you, but memorials to the harvested amber waves of grain and Russet Burbank potato and wholesome milk, nonetheless!

Makes your heart swell, donit? Cooking is so cool, and you just totally rock for even trying!

So, consider that carrot, taken from a cello bag in the fridge.

It has done all the growing it's gonna do, and you alone stand between it and the great compost heap in the sky. You decide to take a stab at making a proud memorial to this little stick of beta carotene.

What the heck do you have to lose? Relax and give it a shot!

Grateful Dead: Bag of Carrots

Making it into a nice carrot cake with cream cheese frosting and little carrot decorations is elevating for both of you, AND even if your efforts result in total disaster, you tried!

Do you think that the average carrot aspired to this sort of grandeur when it went to career day in High School? Do you think it isn't (on some karmic vegetable level), grateful for your efforts?

See? Just TRYING to make that carrot into something, my friend, is a noble act! Good for your noble self!
Noble Carrot Memorial Cake

Large Knives

Yeah Baby! Woot! Gimme a blade, and let's go Cook somethin'! Yee-Hah! Aside from the fact that they are just totally cool to look at, pick your teeth with,and/or wave around while talking like a jungle hero, a nice, sharp 14-inch (or more) hunk of razor-sharp steel with a gnarly grip is... EMPOWERING! Cower before my mighty might, meat! Pectacular! Bungo! Kreegah! Me Tarzan! Time for Cook! Come Cheetah! Got Large Knife! We Go! So, go wave a WÜSTHOF (The umlaut makes it doubly cool) at that whole, raw chicken, and watch it instantly submit to your top-o-the-foodchain-opposable-thumb, tool-usin' self. But wait! There are more good reasons than just intimidating dead foodstuffs for "LARGE KNIVES". DEFENSE - Cooking can be stressful. It is a craft, a skill, an art, and there are variables and surprises aplenty. These can sneak up on the unwary cook like a pair of black bears on specially trained ninja commando horses... Um. Or something. Surprise! Rogue HorseBears: Here to nick your hors d'ouveres! Get used to surprises, expect them! And for those times when the surprises are getting a little out of hand, a LARGE KNIFE can save the day AND your sanity, and no, I'm not talking about holding off those bears who came to Shanghai your Puu-Puu platter. You see, kitchen disasters often compound like rows and rows of dominos knocking each other over... Dominos that are on fire... On fire in your lap... Your NAKED lap. Flaming Groin Dominos (reg. U.S. pat. off.) Your potatoes will boil over, just as the biscuits burn and the dishwasher starts leaking. The oysters you thought were dead will begin dancing on the table, then the locusts, the hurricane, the ninjas... you get the idea. Usually at this time, your minister or mother-in-law shows up unannounced AAAAAnnnnnd, just when you are about to "lose it", some cretin, nitwit or other friend or relation will skulk up behind you and excla im (in a nasally-little girl-whine), something like "I'm hungry", or "Isn't it done YET", or "Gosh, the back of your shirt's on fire!" "I wanna eeeeeeat!" This is the perfect time, to whirl around, large steely blade in hand, and, in your best, hysterical Jack Nicholson impersonation, shriek: "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" Bulge your eyeballs if at all possible. Helps the effect. I know. Within seconds, you will find yourself blissfully alone with your thoughts, the fire extinguisher, the first aid kit, and perhaps a nice soothing beverage or pharmaceutical relaxant. You will also be well on the way to acquiring a cool nickname like "Slash", "Nutball" or "Freakshow". And your 'LARGE KNIFE' Skills will improve with use! Oh, yeah! You can cut stuff up, too! Did I mention that? This is useful! Details later.

Fire!

The oldest man-manageable heat source* is necessary for taking your dead stuff to a "cooked" state.

FIRE: cooking basic

[Technical note: "Cooked" is the state which comes after "raw" and before "burned". We'll get into the technical aspects of this complicated concept a little later. Babysteps, babysteps.]

*(Yes, I'm SURE you can cook over a geyser, geothermal vent, or even a volcano... that's why I put in "man-manageable". It's gotta have a knob to turn, or, at the very least, when p

oked with a small stick you can have an effect on the heat output.)

Microwave: (juju fire)

Fire (actually, "heat" is more accurate, but it just doesn't go with "dead stuff" and "large knives", now, does it?), can come from many sources such as wood, gas, charcoal, dried animal dung, electric coils, or even from magic juju such as microwaves and electrical induction (which is a form of witchcraft, but WILL simmer your chitlins).

Be warned: There are some cults of non-cooking, raw-fooditarians of various stripes. They hold that any application of heat destroys part of the natural goodness and healthy attributes of the Dead Stuff they are about to consume. They will insist upon telling you about it and cannot be dissuaded by normal argument. (See the chapter on LARGE KNIVES for some ideas that may help).

For me? The ability to kill bacteria, render tough cell walls permeable and soft enough to be acted upon by digestive enzymes, and bring cool stuff to the table sizzling and bubbling (and occasionally flaming) is reason enough to not give these folk much shrift. I'm sorry, but any cult that insists on removing popcorn, crispy duck, and hot buttered rum from the pantheon of my pantry is just NOT happening!

No! Fire good!

Cherries Jubilee:
Dessert that's on fire!
Coolest of the cool!

You are now fully armed with the three basic basics of cooking. Easy, huh?

Now, we shall pull Dead Stuff, Large Knives & Fire together and get to cooking.